1: INT CAR NIGHT-
James walking and car pulls over and two people wearing balaclavas.
James walking and car pulls over and two people wearing balaclavas.
James 5ft 11 brown wearing jacket is kidnapped by Gunner 6ft black wearing jacket and Tiny 5ft white wearing coat at the night time.
James :
(On phone)
(On phone)
Okay I will see you tomorrow bye!
Gunner and Tiny:
(At the same time)
(At the same time)
There's he is get him!
James:
Whats going on.
(He gets knocked out when he turns back)
2: INT WAREHOUSE NIGHT
Sitting on wooded chair and in the presents there is Gunner and later Bash.
He is asked questions such as where is the drugs, gold and the merchandise he refuses and gets beat up by Gunner and Tiny.
James:
I don't know what your taking about and why am I here?
Tiny:
(Comes into warehouse)
Gunner: No lets beat him till he lets it out
James:
Go ahead you ain't going to get a word from me and when am out of here i will kill you both when I'm out.
Gunner:
You know what we are going to ask you so just start taking.
You know what we are going to ask you so just start taking.
James:
I don't know what your taking about and why am I here?
Tiny:
(Comes into warehouse)
Is he speaking have you got the information?
Gunner: No lets beat him till he lets it out
(Tiny places a knuckle duster on his hand)
James:
Go ahead you ain't going to get a word from me and when am out of here i will kill you both when I'm out.
Gunner and Tiny:
(Balls up fist) (they start to punch him)
(Balls up fist) (they start to punch him)
3: EXT BEACH DAY- Resting on towel wearing shorts and he gets a piece of paper the information about the event (his brother is holed hostage).
They already know that James brother Charlie is a high ranked member in the mafia and has lots of money.
Charlie: (Stands up)
Okay they don't no what they messed around with
(he walks to his house)
Charlie: *ring ring*
(reaches to pocket) Hello who is this.
James: (deep breaths)
its James listen there isn't much time they are asking me where the money is and they got me in... (phone goes dead)
Charlie:
James! What the hell you still there! holy crap.
(runs to house)
4: INT BIG HOUSE DAY- Inside on computer wearing suit and searching for information sitting on a chair he prints out sheets of how they look.
Charlie sets out searching and gathering information for his brother he gets the information from a snitch that helped in the kidnap but know he helps Charlie. One more vital information is needed to find the location of where James is hostage.
(Charlie)
/where tell me!
Snitch:
Okay calm down and listen up they have got him held in a ware house i can give you the postcode but you will have to pay me £10,000
Charlie:
Send me the details and i will transfer the money.
Snitch:
Hi i know where James is
Hi i know where James is
(Charlie)
/where tell me!
Snitch:
Okay calm down and listen up they have got him held in a ware house i can give you the postcode but you will have to pay me £10,000
Charlie:
Send me the details and i will transfer the money.
(phone goes dead)
5: EXT OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE NIGHT- Walking towards black car at night
He is ready to kidnap his brother back
6: INT/EXT WAREHOUSE/BEACH DAY- Charlie Gunner and Tiny all are in the warehouse and are ready to fight.
Charlie goes to the place his brother was held up and has a fist fight with both of the kidnappers. He dies.
(flash enters)
Charlie: lets get this over and done with
(flash enters)
Gunner: Okay come.
7: EXT ROAD DAY- Gunner and Tiny are waiting for some other people to deal however a hit man and ends up shooting them.
Hit man kills Gunner and Tiny as charlie told him while they are dealing.
Hit man: (Gets a gun and fires at Gunner and Tiny.)
Hit man: Calls James the jobs done...
1: INT CAR NIGHT-
ReplyDeleteYou need to be a little clearer with your stage directions. Write what physically happens as it happens. Don't worry about putting action inbetween sections of dialogue.
2: INT WAREHOUSE NIGHT
You need to describe the warehouse and exactly where the characters are in relation to each other at the start of the scene. Don't worry about writing anything in the stage directions which is covered by the dialogue. I like your dialogue here, it is neat and makes sense.
3: EXT BEACH DAY-
You need to clearly introduce new characters, give their appearance and write about what they are doing when the scene begins.
Don't add details to the script that you cannot show such as what they already know about Charlie. If it needs to be said, put it into dialogue.
Do you want james to be seen? If so this needs to be an intercut scene between two locations. Otherwise, if you can only hear james, you need to put VO after his name every time he speaks to show that it is a voice over.
4: INT BIG HOUSE DAY-
Only put what you can see at the start of your scene. Describe the location; see my notes for above regarding the telephone conversation with the snitch.
5: EXT OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE NIGHT- Walking towards black car at night
Just write what you can see, especially in a scene with no dialogue.
6: INT/EXT WAREHOUSE/BEACH DAY-
You need to describe the fist fight in much more detail. I think this scene needs more dialogue as well. These characters would talk to each other before the fight and probabloy during the fight too.
7: EXT ROAD DAY-
Nice twist at the end, I like it! You need to write the scene in much more detail however, especially the details around the shooting. This is a perfect opportunity to build up some tension; think about the images you will see in this scene.